I am a university student.... Currently a freshman, my life has been a bit chaotic lately, but I know where the problem lies: I think I've fallen for my former tutor.

He doesn't teach me anymore, but we still keep in touch occasionally—chatting on IG and sometimes going out to eat during winter or summer break. Every time we arrange something, I wait for it like it's an important date. This summer he invited me to his place, saying he could help me brush up my English, which might be useful for the future. I'm usually not very interested in learning languages, but since it was his suggestion, I agreed without hesitation.

That day he took out some simple English materials and sat next to me, explaining and demonstrating. He sat very close, his voice gentle and low, and I found myself getting more and more distracted. He would occasionally turn to look at me, his gaze so focused that my heart raced and my face unintentionally warmed.

After we finished, he said he'd ride his scooter and give me a lift home. I got on the back, and he told me to hold on tight, saying it's safer that way. Clumsily I wrapped my arms around his waist and felt my fingertips touch his muscles; in that instant my heart almost leapt out of my ears. The ride was steady, but every time he accelerated I had to press closer, my chest against his back, our body heat merging through the thin fabric between us. I felt myself getting more and more nervous, and even... starting to have a physical reaction.

I tried hard to calm myself down, but the more I tried to control it, the more obvious it became. I was afraid he would notice, but at the same time I couldn't help secretly enjoying the closeness. He didn't seem to notice—just focused on riding—while I blushed and silently prayed we'd get home soon.

After that time, I found I couldn't resist paying attention to him at all. I would watch every one of his Instagram Stories and even secretly screenshot them. When he viewed my story, I could be happy for days. He's a teacher and very busy with work, but he still remembers to ask if I'm free to have dinner on the weekend. When he invited me, I had already made plans to play basketball with friends, but I canceled and my friends were a bit upset.

Although I felt bad about letting my friends down, the thought of seeing him made me excited again. He's mature and gentle; when I'm with him I feel understood and protected. But this feeling makes me conflicted—on one hand I'm immersed in my liking for him, on the other I'm afraid of falling too deep and not being able to pull myself out.

What truly caught me off guard, however, was one night. On a whim I opened a gay dating app and browsed casually, and unexpectedly saw his account. The photos were him—I couldn't have mistaken it. In his profile description, a few short words were written: "available for outcall services." When I saw that line, it felt like someone had squeezed my heart hard and I couldn't breathe.

At that moment I didn't know how to face my own feelings or how to face him. I kept looking at that account again and again, hardly able to believe it was real. My mind was full of questions: why was he on there? What does "available for outcall services" mean? Is it part of his life, or was the gentle person I thought I knew only my imagination?

I began to feel that what I was caught up in wasn't just feelings for him, but a tangled maze. I want answers, but I'm also afraid that the answers will completely crush me. For the upcoming weekend dinner, I don't even know whether I should go see him, nor whether I could hide these complicated emotions as if nothing were wrong when I do.

..................... To be continued